its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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