tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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