Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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