Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We need to get me chipped asap
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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