You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
