come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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