my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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