That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
