All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
