How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
