I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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