I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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