it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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