I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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