i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
