You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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