I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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