I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
