I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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