so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
