You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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