True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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