We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i will never coherently bang her
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
