Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
