I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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