I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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