I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
