If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
