Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
