Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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