Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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