We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just threw up on my dentist
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
