My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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