Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
