I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize