i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
