Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
