I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
