I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
