If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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