There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
