He uses pillows to masturbate.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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