so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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