I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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