You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
