my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
