When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
