I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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