I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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