I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize