i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
