dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
