I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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