Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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