Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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