Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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