We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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