the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
