I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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