i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
