Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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