saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
