I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
